She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
