i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
