haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
