my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
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I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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