I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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