After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
