If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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