you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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