So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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