I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
