Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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