i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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