Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
