Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
