seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
