i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Randomize
