There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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