oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
