I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
