I think I won the penis lottery.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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