I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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