just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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