do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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