I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
