i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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