Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
