did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
