if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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