It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
