the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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