I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
