Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
