I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
