He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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