found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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