Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh god it's open bar.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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