i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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