somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
