So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
