I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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