i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
