wanna go halves on a baby?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
ok first of all what the fuck
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
