I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
