he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
