I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Yo dont text me then not text me
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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