I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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