i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
