Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
