Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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