I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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