I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
