I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
