I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
