if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
