Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
